Some of those who join forces are just for decoration


Ooo, I wasn’t expecting a live recreation of The Matrix today!

School shootings have become commonplace here. Since thoughts, prayers and bulletproof schoolbags are clearly not enough, people have been advocating for more safety measures to protect our children. No, not reducing access to guns – by ensuring that more people with guns are regularly in the classroom. We have a double negative approach to gun violence in this country. Sure, school shootings are negatives, but if you hire someone whose job it is to shoot the school shooter, the negatives cancel out! Except in Uvalde, of course. And, as recent information from a security guard suit that has come to light shows, it didn’t work in Michigan.

An armed security guard at Oxford High School failed to stop a mass shooting that killed four students and injured seven others, believing the attack was a drill and that a student was carrying “a very good makeup” as he bled to death, a victim’s attorney said Wednesday. … According to the guard’s LinkedIn profile, she retired after more than 28 years as a sheriff’s deputy and spent more than two years working in high school before leaving in June.

Oh good? You would think that a high school security guard with 28 years of experience in the line of duty would be exactly the type of hero those who defend the good guys with guns would expect to prevent these problems. Where is the next place to move the goal post? Make sure cops-turned-security guards have at least 30 years of experience? Stop doing Alert, Lockdown, Information, Counter and Evacuation (ALICE) drills to prepare children for the arrival of their classmates because guardians cannot tell the difference between the game and life and death?

…what high-level hybrid art is on offer at this high school that would even make the “I mistook a victim for a comedian” excuse from a distance plausible? Unless the art teacher spent a few hours on the set of Evil Dead and the student spent the last few weeks really practicing their death rattle, cheese graters hold more water than that. I know we love our guns and it’s blasphemy to smear the effectiveness of our men and women in blue, but when is bullshit called?

For would-be armed guards and teachers protecting students from classmates and 18-year-olds with a point to prove, I leave you with these handy song lyrics that should help you properly identify crises when you find yourself in them. :

Well, she’s not bleeding on the classroom floor just to get attention because it’s an American problem.

Do your damn jobs.

Oxford security guard kept shooting he thought dying student was covered in makeup: lawyer [Detroit News]

Chris Williams became social media manager and associate editor for Above the Law in June 2021. Prior to joining the team, he moonlighted as an underage Memelord™ in the Law School Memes for Edgy Facebook group T14s. He endured Missouri long enough to graduate from Washington University at St. Louis School of Law. He’s a former boatbuilder who can’t swim, a published author on critical racing theory, philosophy, and humor, and has a love for cycling that sometimes annoys his peers. You can reach him by email at [email protected] and by tweet at @WritesForRent.

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